A friend recently asked me what it looks like when you feel God is calling you to do something and you make that choice to act on it in the moment. What goes on in our minds? What goes on in our hearts? I had no idea, and out of curiosity purposed to keep mental notes the next time I was aware of it happening, and track the process. It is not pretty. But it is real. Here is a novice attempt at recording the thoughts of my foolish mind and wicked heart when they were confronted by their Creator last week. If you respond to this by being paralyzed with fear of making a wrong decision, or flippantly enchanted by a fairytale God who sprinkles magic dust on all our purposeless wanderings- I have failed. My prayer is that all of our hearts would more quickly bow in awe before a sovereign God and follow His voice with uninhibited joy.
I never thought the familiar clicking of a turn signal could sound so much like a bomb ready to explode any second.
How did I get myself into this?
It all started that morning, and it was a Friday. One of those rare California days where it was chill enough to know it is winter, and sunny enough to remind you that it won't always be. I had the day off of work unexpectedly and I sat in my parked car, contemplating what to do with the suddenly empty day before me. I wish I could say that my thoughts were the easy, giddy ones that should come with the gift of a glorious day to use as one wishes. However, this gift came to me while I was still reeling from the last unexpected turn of events. I was weary from many days of what can only be described as grief- relentless waves of shock, sadness, loss, uncertainty, disappointment, doubt-and the nagging knowing in my gut that something is not right and there is nothing I can do about it.
I've been on "time out"- as I affectionately named this season of waiting God has chosen for my good this past year. It is not my favorite place. It is, however, an incredibly humbling place. It is a beautiful place, if you don't mind beauty with a healthy dose of agony on the side. In this season my Lord has lovingly chipped away at my pride by suspending my career and education endeavors, tamed my overly independent spirit through illness and humbled me by providing this year of living with my parents, and is teaching me His love through my own broken heart. Meanwhile, the enemy has taken every opportunity to rob God's glory in this by lying to me constantly. Like what? You are worthless. You are fading. You are lazy. You are wasting your life. You're getting rusty and will never be useful again. You are a big disappointment. God has forgotten you. You are in big trouble. You are unloveable. You are insincere. You're a joke.
Lies must be constantly fought against with Truth. Only, lately I have caught myself agreeing with the liar instead of killing the lies. Fragility of spirit will do that to you. Don't let it.
See, there is another voice that says "You are mine." Listen to this one- it never lies. It cries out from the depths of my soul, affirming who I am. (Romans 8:14-17)
These were the thoughts going through my mind as I contemplated how I'd spend my day. Usually it is not difficult for me to jump into many exciting and delightful activities, but creativity is one of the first casualties of grief. I leaned my head on the steering wheel and cried out to the One who has never left my side. "hey- I don't know what to do today. Surely there are things you want to accomplish in Santa Rosa today. Use me." And then I went to get gas.
Music blaring - (Lecrae- nothing like the spoken Word to pierce through the vague fog of lies) my heart began to warm and melt and dripped down my cheeks. Fear began to subside, and the deep longing of my soul grew louder as I sat in awe of the God who perpetually pursues me with His love. I pulled into the gas station. Pumped the gas. Pulled out and began to make a right hand turn. This street is one of the busiest in Santa Rosa, and it is nearly impossible to make a left. As I hit the brakes, I heard a small voice
Turn left.
What? No. That's a bad idea. That has to be my own voice. I am imagining things. I really need to sleep better at night. Seriously, God is not going to talk to me while I drive my car out of the gas station. Who do I think I am anyway?
Turn left.
It was not audible- but a knowing. It was familiar, insistent, and it was strong. That's just crazy. I reached out and flicked the blinker- left. And sat. I watched the traffic in front of me in an unending barrage. I waited. Even if I would have wanted to cut someone off, there wasn't even an opportunity for that. Cars began to pile up behind me. I waited. They became impatient.
Seriously, God. I'm going right. This was a bad idea. My heart lurched as it recognized this vulnerable situation. Still bruised and bleeding, it begged me to run and protect myself. Did I really believe that the voice of God had instructed me to make a left hand turn? Here I was, stepping out on a limb- utterly exposed, looking like a fool- waiting for something that was ridiculous to hope for-again. People in their cars behind me were probably not hearing the same instructions, and they wanted out. I half expected someone to walk up to my window and punch me in the face.
The right lane was beautifully open before me. I began to think of things to do on that right side. Silly things, things to pass time while I waited for God to tell me what to do with this day. Part of me didn't believe He ever would, that I'd be stuck in the Twilight Zone fog of frustrated uncertainty forever. I felt sorry for myself. I scolded myself for feeling sorry for myself. And I waited. It became uncomfortably long. I reached the end of my rope. I was certain something was going to break. I almost turned right.
But I didn't. Something held me there- wanting to believe even after I'd reached the end of myself. I felt like an absolute fool. And I waited.
And then I looked up, and right in front of me was a black car with my friend "Jane" in it. I have been praying for her for months, and somehow we kept missing each other. I honked. She waved excitedly. Windows rolled down, greetings were exchanged. Traffic began to move- "I'm going to Target! Follow me!"
and then there was a perfect gap in traffic, and I made a left hand turn.
I can't quite explain the meeting up of old friends that happened, the conversation walking the aisles at Target, and what exactly happened to my thought process and my heart with each step. Both of us had each other on the mind that day. She had just seen a car that looked like mine, but I wasn't in it. I had just been thinking about her, since she used to live across the street from the gas station. I also can't explain the other friend I ran into in the parking lot as I was texting her. We had lunch, another great conversation, and we prayed.
It could have just been fun conversations, casual girly stuff. But it wasn't. Within the space of that day, I got to see the fruit of years of prayer. I learned about a much longed for baby on the way that doctors bet couldn't happen. I saw stubborn hearts softened, and made up minds changed. One of them was mine. And it recognized the voice of its Maker, and followed.
As I lay in bed that night, contemplating a God so big coordinating all of these domino divine appointments in His perfect timing, I worshipped Him in awe. Who am I to doubt what He is working in my life through this season? Hadn't I been praying for Him to melt away pride, and to know His voice? To be quite honest, at one point during the day, the accuser showed up again, and my futile thinking cried out "I didn't accomplish anything today..." And then the voice of my God whispered back " I did." Wow. This is what I want to do for the rest of my life. I don't know how or when exactly it happened, but out of that day and through those conversations, my heart was stirred. I knew what is at the bottom of my heart, the depths of my soul- those longings that God created in me for Himself. I am His. Pure joy. And the accompanying longing for others to know this for themselves, too. Vision for how to practically live that out became clear. I don't "know what I'm going to do with my life" in an SAT essay format, but I know the voice of my God, and I am confident to follow it, no matter how long I wait with my blinker on, and how uncomfortable and foolish I feel. I want Him more.
See, I'm no hero. I'm in love. And you do crazy things when you're in love. I fail, I doubt, I wrestle with my own thoughts- He reveals truth and takes me back- every time. I weep, I laugh- am thankful to know Him and make Him known, and I look forward to these adventures everyday. I don't know what would have happened if I had turned right. And of this, I am glad.
Isaiah 30:21
"And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying 'This is the way, walk in it' when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left."
*if you have a minute, read Isaiah 30- what happens when we don't ask for directions- beautiful illustration of His mercy, restoration and justice to a rebellious people- Israel (us.)
