A couple of months ago, around 3 am (when all truly great things happen) I was standing next to my desk, finishing up The Lady and the Peacock, (moving biography of Burma's Aung San Suu Kyi) which I had begun around midnight. I had picked up the book to pack it in my carry on to read on the plane, and couldn't resist flipping to the first page for a taste (kid on Christmas Eve...) and there I stood, in the same place-having laughed (the mental image of her biking through Oxford with her plastic bags of vegetables dangling from the handlebars-so very Asia!), wept (leaving her sleeping children in England one morning- not knowing she would not return again for decades), become enraged (at the oppression of millions of beautiful people that continues today), and marveled at how much she reminds me of Audrey Hepburn.
Earlier that day, I had re-read my favorite Lewis book, The Great Divorce, smiling in awe, remembering how nearly two years ago my awesome God had given me this book from a perfect stranger, when I needed it most. And how, in His awesomeness, the messenger became not a stranger, and (beautifully) not perfect.
And now, He's leading me into another adventure. I was honestly reluctant to move forward. I don't understand. I don't see. My heart yearns for beloved friends on the opposite sides of the world. I weep for injustice, and I want to fight against it with everything in me. I'd like to dig in my heels and stop everything until I can figure this out, or- go backwards in search of reason, sense, understanding. But the Hand I'm holding gently pulls me forward.
My little hands have been outstretched, open for over a year. I've been waiting for doors marked "Thailand" "Cambodia" "Uganda" to open. I've deeply enjoyed and grown from every day spent in California. I've sat in silence and I've listened- (Ok, so there's been a fair share of frustrated beseeching, doubting questioning, outright demands and other unpleasant behavior along the way; but ultimately- I'm not the one driving...) and I never did put my suitcases away.
He knows what He is doing with me, and how He is using all of these things to shape me for His purposes, and my good. In May it was Osaka, Japan. One brave night, around 3 am, I decided to be fearless: I applied for a summer semester at Oxford University. I wrote 3 application essays that morning, giddy and laughing at the ridiculousness, sitting on the floor in my friend Tomomi's apartment. The sun came up and I clicked send. We laughed more and ate popcorn for breakfast.
And then, a few days later, an unexpected door swung wide open. England. Seriously? Did not see that one coming. God knows I long to sit on dirt floors in remote villages in countries I already love. I don't see all He is doing right now, but I know this is where I am supposed to be now, and there's no better place to be in the world than that. My wonderings are calmed by His assurance: This is part of it. I've got you.
And now, I'm sitting in my dorm in the garden courtyard of beautiful Trinity College at Oxford- where C.S. Lewis roamed, and (last week!) Aung San Suu Kyi finally accepted her honorary degree.
I had no idea this was in the plan as I read those books that day, but He knew the prerequisite reading all along.
Like months ago when He gave me this verse:
Like months ago when He gave me this verse:
"I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love...you have set my feet in a broad place."-Psalm 31:7-8
He took my feet...
...and set them on Broad Street, Oxford, Oxfordshire, England.
Humbled. Thankful for this amazing opportunity. I'm in awe of the beauty of His plans and timing. I'm in awe of Him.
This isn't it. There's more. There's Him. He loves me.
It will soon be 3 am. I am peering out my centuries old window into an unfamiliar, starry sky. Underneath my window, even though I can't see it right now in the temporary dark- is a beautiful gate that swings wide open.
I'm in. Here we go.
