So immediately after typing this post below, I actually threw up. No joke. The churning sense of loathing, dizzying conviction and clammy sweat of urgency demanded a physical rejection. That, and I'm pretty sure the avocado I ate at midnight was bad... The irony was unreal (ever laughed at yourself while puking?) and reinforced what God is teaching me in a profound way. Confession, is like throwing up all my stuff before the Lord. The community of His church are the people walking alongside me, coming with me before our God, and holding my hair as I get this out. Things get real, you get close. It's beautiful.
The freedom and the closeness, not the puking.
These two glaring things hit me, right in that moment:
1. At one point, this tasted good. Like- I had craved this thing that I am now puking. I had enjoyed eating it. Sin, in the moment- is delicious. Mmm I love me some tasty pride- that satisfying pat on the back or sense of accomplishment smothered in self righteousness and dipped in tangy approval. How I had smiled in seeming contentedness, unaware that in the dark murky depths of my belly lurked a poison that wants to kill me.
2. I was shocked at my hesitancy and denial. I stood outside the bathroom door, knowing what was unavoidable, and yet- I found myself trying every evasive maneuver I could think of. Maybe I just need a cold glass of water? Maybe I just need some fresh air? Perhaps I could sleep this off. What a coward. Bottom line: I HATE throwing up, and avoid it at all costs. Kinda like dealing with sin...how often I find myself trying to comfort myself and coddle the symptoms of sin into submission. How many times I've run to friends for the cold glass of water of reassurance in conversation, or stepped outside the situation at hand for a breath of fresh air, or tried to spiritually sleep through conviction, hoping it will go away on its own. Well, it doesn't. God gave my body this awesome reflux that kicks out the deadly poison in my gut, just like His Spirit works through conviction and repentance to expel the sin that's slowly killing me from the inside out. The true comfort is in getting it all out. That is where relief lives. And then, there's the comforting arms of my Savior. Who washes me, clothes me in His righteousness, and even after seeing me at my lowest point, calls me beautiful, holds me, loves me. And doesn't leave.
“Though evil is sweet in his mouth,
though he hides it under his tongue,
though he is loath to let it go
and holds it in his mouth,
yet his food is turned in his stomach;
it is the venom of cobras within him.
He swallows down riches and vomits them up again;
God casts them out of his belly." -Job 20: 12-15
"And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God." -1 Corinthians 6:11
p.s. Theological question: When Adam and Eve ate of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, do you think they threw up later? Just sayin.
