I first saw it over my shoulder, out of the corner of my eye, through the greyly quiet buildings of Osaka, Japan. A rounded face of fire peeking between two sky scrapers, smiling at us.It’s brilliance melted a tear and prompted a reflexive utterance of awe: wow. Sights like this cause tired shoppers heading home to turn the car around; illegally, abruptly, wholeheartedly. Pointed westward we turned our gaze upon it for long stretches at stoplights, until our eyes burned and the dim light turned green. It drew us to itself, a warmly glowing peach, dangling ripely over the sea from invisible boughs. The dinner left uncooked was gladly and unanimously abandoned as we gave ourselves to this pursuit. We were much more hungry to make it to the shore.
A dozen blocks stood between us and the sea, with train tracks that demanded stopping. Umbrellad pedestrians pushing strollers meandered at afternoon speeds, unaware of the show and with a “lack of urgency” that would cause my Marine-trained sous chef to take a slow breath and purse his lips into a tight line that terrifies me to action still. Each block left us more reckless. Tomomi hadn’t driven like this since her sense of urgency was caused by about a liter and a half of hoijicha tea. We drove towards that sunset like a carful of girls searching for a bathroom, and every time we slammed on the brakes it hurt as our hearts lurched forward, aching like bladders about to explode.
Our conversation was like a song, little exclamations of awe in different accents and tones- It glowed with longing as we trekked on in delight. Looking down the stretch of road, I sized up the distance and wondered if we should hit the emergency flashers and make a run for it. I couldn’t think of a better emergency for which to make use of that triangle button. I could hear the water now, through the rolled down window, and I saw the bright beautiful golden globe glowing and I missed it. Now just two blocks away, I ached. The promise of green lights and the visible shore beckoned us come, and I felt sure I would soon be standing under its glow as it splashed into the horizon.
How dare that cloud hide it, and how dare the light turn red. We waited forever at that light,and it felt cruel- to be so strongly drawn and then kept away. Where does this hopeful longing go, if not to the beach? Cool waves of disappointment and loneliness lapped up on our souls in that stopped car as the sun sank into the water, entirely hidden by clouds.
I don’t get it.
I turned toward Tomo and her face was still aglow, just from looking into the sun. I felt it’s warmth on my face, too. We went home in the dark, porcelain newly aware of our fragility, and without the relief of our cherished hopes realized. God, I don’t think I can live in this perpetual urgency, wanting, everlonging of the soul. It was just a moment- barely a moment- but so breathlessly beautiful I turned my heart inside out trying to get there in time. Silly girl, falling in love with a setting sun.
I turned toward Tomo and her face was still aglow, just from looking into the sun. I felt it’s warmth on my face, too. We went home in the dark, porcelain newly aware of our fragility, and without the relief of our cherished hopes realized. God, I don’t think I can live in this perpetual urgency, wanting, everlonging of the soul. It was just a moment- barely a moment- but so breathlessly beautiful I turned my heart inside out trying to get there in time. Silly girl, falling in love with a setting sun.
Comfort reminded me that morning is on the other side of this night, that it won’t always be like this-dark. Hope reminded me of a place with no need for sun, and I longed for it more. And so I will live my days, in this longing. Compelled. I’m gonna turn the car sunward, and floor it until I reach the beach and the sun goes down. I’m gonna laugh and talk melodiously of it as our hearts are stirred, and we will run until our faces glow. I will encourage pedestrians along the Way to lay down their umbrellas and glance upward into the spectacular light over their shoulders. God- how I love that sunset! I smile at my freckles-sun kisses. I cherish them, but I’m homesick for the sunless glowing sky I’ve never seen. I blink, and that white spot is still burned into my vision-from staring into the sun. Everywhere I look, I see it still. And I get it.
Like- I’m gonna get it, one dayless day.
And by it, I mean You.
"For from the rising of the sun to its setting my name will be great among the nations, and in every place incense will be offered to my name, and a pure offering. For my name will be great among the nations, says the LORD of hosts." -Malachi 1:11
"The sun shall be no more your light by day, nor for brightness shall the moon
give you light;but the Lord will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your glory. Your sun shall no more go down,nor your moon withdraw itself;
for the Lord will be your everlasting light, and your days of mourning shall be ended." -Isaiah 60:19-20
Like- I’m gonna get it, one dayless day.
And by it, I mean You.
"For from the rising of the sun to its setting my name will be great among the nations, and in every place incense will be offered to my name, and a pure offering. For my name will be great among the nations, says the LORD of hosts." -Malachi 1:11
"The sun shall be no more your light by day, nor for brightness shall the moon
give you light;but the Lord will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your glory. Your sun shall no more go down,nor your moon withdraw itself;
for the Lord will be your everlasting light, and your days of mourning shall be ended." -Isaiah 60:19-20
